linux-l: [ash at ash.de: Microsoft conducts nuclear test (fwd)]

[Wolfgang Jung]

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Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 23:04:18 +0200 (MET DST)
From: Hauke Johannknecht <ash at ash.de>
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Subject: Microsoft conducts nuclear test (fwd)
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---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 11:36:52 +0200
Subject: Microsoft conducts nuclear test

       REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned
       silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an
       underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern
       Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT
       (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide
       with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of
       Justice over possible antitrust action.

       "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products
       by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill
       Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but
       there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if
       Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

       Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I
       nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer"
       explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr.
       Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
       and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike
       vacation."

       In Washington, President Clinton announced the US
       Government would boycott all Microsoft products
       indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his
       decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they
       don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration
       will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with
       Microsoft.

       Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
       the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the
       Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government.
       Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons
       grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've
       finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
       copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to
       replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating
       systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
       radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
       Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone
       who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the
       Internet is going to get what they deserve."

       The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II
       microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors,
       made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips
       "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
       Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those
       stories about cold fusion."

       Rumors suggest a second weapons development project
       is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun
       Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work
       in Java," said one source close to the project. The
       development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
       progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
       the moment."

       Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO
       Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle
       CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton
       technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest
       bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
       hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop
       that product a second time."



-----End of forwarded message-----

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